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war is real

unconcerned, uncompromised and unconvoluted letters from a soldier getting ready to face war for the second time. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

7:43 PM - part two: how i stopped learning to kill and take the pill

she says to take one of the blue pills in the morning and another in mid afternoon and oh whenever i feel severe depression coming on take on then too. i'm wondering what all these chemicals will do for me and i'm feeling very much like a lab rat. the army has one treatment for PTSD, and that drug of choice is Zoloft. despite the fact that i can barely even exist on zoloft, i started taking it and oh also the other stuff that's supposed to help with nightmares i've been having. body parts flying apart and landing all over my shoes, my face, the blood mixing with the rain and soaking my hair red, eventhough my stitches are holding up pretty well so they can't be from me.

she says, go ahead and take these little white pills. they supposedly stop nightmares before they happen, which is complete and utter bullshit just like every other time something is supposed to prevent something from happening before it begins. they don't work, Major, and so what am i left with?

she says to me, you could always go back out there, man up and be a true soldier. bitch, i was there once and i need some FUCKING HELP before i can go back and see those things again. are you not comprehending this? do i need to spell it out for you? i fucking hate the fact that i'm required to kill evil people who are only evil because our president wills them to be.

yeah, i'm going back to iraq. if i get shot at or placed in danger, i'm going to kill everything that moves on the other site. i won't enjoy doing it, but it's my job, and my battle buddies are more important to me than life itself, and THEY are the reason i'm going. screw iraq, screw bush, screw the army -- just remember that it's me and my battle buddies out there, and we are the ones fighting a sham war just so we can come home and get a nice welcome reception for being heroes, and then six months later nothing changes and we're back to being grunts.

change the cycle.

Blogger Papa Ray said...


Thats just the way it is...Life's a bitch and then you die..

Of course, until you die you have to pay taxes.

The mares' will go away or at least stop coming very often after several years and the shakes and being as tense as a virgin at a Marine beer bust will slowly slide away.

But the desire to kill the bad guys will never go away, you might dream of being able just to point your finger or just use your brain power to blow them into little bitty pieces.

I went back, back into what had scared me shitless and discovered I could channel that fear and anger and really be effective and kill alot of those bastards.

Of course that was 'back in the day' thirty someodd years ago.

But I can still shoot straight and fast..so send a few my way.

Papa Ray
West Texas

Blogger JayCee said...

I think your blog is great.

I have a great cure for PTSD. If our out-of-control government would stop creating trauma for our soldiers and for innocent civilians, we could seriously reduce the incidence of this debilitating disease.

But it is too late for many, including you, and I wish you the best. Many of us are working as hard as we can for a sane U.S. government, that will not treat our soldiers in such a cavalier fashion.  

Anonymous Anonymous said...

i come from a family of mostly marines but include all other branches. as i tell my bros, it's easy to kill when you cut yourself off from reality with a gun where the flying guts and blood are from an anonymous human being and your doing it as a manipulated person from a president & administration that only cares about greedy profit and blood for their elitist kind. they don't care about you they use soldiers. so why kill for their illegal and immoral wars when you soul belongs to your higher maker and to yourself. you love your fellow buds by telling to resist be used and demand respect as a human being who deserves to live and kill in the name of an ungodly lie. Peace to you and your soul. It makes sense to care for your buds but it shouldn't be because a president is manipulating all of your for your love for one another and made-up hate for anonymous faces, including innocent children, women, and elderly.  

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